Reblog: Moving on

Dear Joe,

I'm an avid fan of your radio program, especially on Fridays because of your Lovenotes. I have always been amazed by your advice and always wondered where you get your soulful thoughts.

Joe, just call me Mica. I had a boyfriend for five years and seven months. His name was Anton and we were deeply in love. At least I'd like to believe that he was in love with me, too. We had dreams of getting married in the year 2000 and we agreed to name our first baby girl with both our mothers' names.

For five years, my life focused on Anton. He was my world and my life, and he always came first. My friends, family, career and even myself came after. My heart and mind were already set on having him as my husband--my lifetime partner. Nothing and no one could change that. His family and friends knew about us and accepted me. They were all kind to me and treated me well. I remember his brothers and sisters introducing me to their friends as "our future sister-in-law". Everyone thought it would be Anton and me in the end.

Third quarter of this year, we began having frequent fights over small things like where to eat, what movie to watch and whether he would see me or not. He'd tell me he was under a lot of pressure from both his work and his relationship with me so I proposed we "cool off" for awhile. I told him that in the meantime, I wouldn't call him or see him as often as I wanted to, but I'd always be around if ever he needed me.

Without a second thought, he accepted my proposal and told me to just end the relationship. Joe, it was as if he had just waited for me to initiate the breakup.

I was shocked and surprised. The man I love and gave my life to was letting me go. Though it hurt, I accepted the idea because I thought he was just tired from work and confused. I thought that after a few days, we'd both realize that we really need and love each other.

When we parted ways, I couldn't help but cry. The following day I called him and asked if we could still talk about it. I asked him the real reason and he told me that he was tired of my demands. He was tired of being committed and just wanted to be alone for awhile. I told him I'd change but Anton remained firm in his decision.

Twenty days after our breakup, we agreed to meet in our old meeting place for dinner. However, he didn't show up despite my numerous pages reminding him that I was waiting. When the mall closed, I decided to go home and on my way, I saw him with another woman. What made it even painful was that he just ignored me, as if he didn't see me. For two days, I was absent from work, I didn't know what to do. I was so confused. I didn't know what was happening, why he was with that girl when he was supposed to meet me--that same girl my friends saw him with minutes before our breakup.

I went to his place so we could talk and ask for some enlightenment. I told him how hurt I was but he said that the girl is just a friend and that he just didn't know what to do that night, so he ignored me. He promised that he would not have a girlfriend this year or next because he really wanted to be alone and moreover, he still loves me. I believed him, Joe, as I had for more than five years.

My friends told me they didn't believe what Anton had told me and that he was just trying to ease my pain and lessen his guilty feelings. I was so confused. Who was telling the truth? Who should I believe?

On September 17, my friends and I watched CONSPIRACY THEORY and while scouting for a better seat, I accidentally saw him and that girl again. Knowing that they were just friends, I made sure that Anton would see me but he just ignored me again. Joe, if she's just a friend, why can't he introduce me to her? Why does he have to ignore me? And so I began to believe my friends.

I finally broke the news to his elder sister. Thank God his sister and I were so close I could discuss matters of the heart with her. She was really surprised and saddened by the news. She told me to talk to Anton to clarify everything and so I did. I got my answer the following day.

The girl my friends and I have been seeing with Anton is, in fact, his girlfriend. For a while, I was speechless, as if someone had slapped my face. I could no longer cry. But I could clearly feel the pain running through my smallest veins.

I thought he wanted to be alone, that he didn't want to commit but we've only been off for two months, and already he's found someone new? Am I that easy to forget? Did our five years of love mean nothing to him? Why did he have to tell me he loves and needs me only to turn around and show the opposite of what he says. What have I done to deserve this? I just can't believe he can hurt me this much, Joe.

It's supposed to be our five-year-and-nine-month anniversary. I just celebrated my 26th birthday and Anton and Marie (that's the new girl's name) celebrated their first month of anniversary a day after my birthday.

Although my friends are always beside me to comfort and cheer me up, I'd still think of Anton and his girl. They are always in my dreams and it's like a constant nightmare. When I want to enjoy a movie, I would remember seeing them together. If I stay at home, it kills me to see my computer because Anton is a real computer wizard.

How can I go on, Joe? Will I ever be happy again? Is there really such a thing as a reckoning? Are there more ways to forget everything about him, especially the pain?

Joe, I'm already wishing for my early death. I'm trying to speed it by skipping meals and not eating on time. I know this will hurt my family and friends but I'm really tired of pretending I'm happy and brave when in fact, I'm not. Behind my laughter is a lonely heart, inside me is a crying soul.

Help me, Joe. Everyday I go to sleep and wake up with a heavy heart. Sometimes I wish I'll never wake up again. Then perhaps the hurt will go away and I'll be able to find peace again.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my letter. Good luck and more power to your show.

Sincerely
Mica


Dear Mica,

Getting over someone who has hurt us and betrayed our trust is not an easy thing to do. Being taken for granted and exchanged for someone else could be very disappointing. Our lives become miserable as we try to make believe that everything is fine just to keep our self-esteem.

Mica, it's always easy for a man to say "I love you". Sometimes men would lie just to save their faces and get away with their wrongdoings. They would make you believe that they care for you even if they have someone else at the back of their minds.

Anton lied about his feelings because, deep inside him, he knew he was not in love with you anymore. He thought that not knowing would spare you the pain but he didn't know that you have been hurting all along.

I know you love him and you still have so many questions unanswered. But ignoring you twice when he was with this girl should have given you more than enough answers and reason to let go.

Stop asking why, Mica. It's plain and simple. He doesn't love you anymore and you just have to learn to live with that. You don't have to make believe and pretend you are happy when you're not. You should cry and lament over his loss. But don't let your tears run dry. Don't starve yourself to death for someone who never respected your feelings. Someone who was never really worthy of your love.

Mica, after giving yourself some time to cry and shout it all, get back to life and move on. I know it's difficult to let go of a love that you have kept for the past five years. Learn to accept that it's all over. Little by little you'll find the peace you're looking for and you'll give yourself the chance to love again then you'll find real happiness in the arms of a man who will love you more than anyone else has.

Love,
Joe

Ne-Yo's cheating confession

Ne-Yo admits he has cheated on his girlfriends.

The 31-year-old singer - who has eight-month-old daughter Madilyn Grace with on/off girlfriend Monyetta Shaw - knows he hasn't always behaved in the right way and is sometimes upset by his conduct, but doesn't think men who cheat are necessarily bad people.

He said: 'Talking about men cheating, I have to say, each to their own.

'I can't just say they're all bad as I've been guilty of it myself.

'There are times when I know I'm not the nicest person, when I know what I'm doing is wrong.

'But then sometimes you have to figure out what's really important to you. There are times when I get upset, there's an ugly side to me - it's not all smiles.'

The 'So Sick' hitmaker also admitted he was unprepared for how strongly he would feel about his daughter.

He told more! magazine: 'I've been in love before, but this feels like nothing I've ever felt. It's like being in love for the first time.'

The Story of Abram's "Sister"

Genesis 12:10-20, 20:1-18, 26:6-12

On her sixth birthday, Beth got a big rubber ball from her aunt even though her parents didn't approve of giving children birthday gifts. Because she had never had a ball of her own before, Beth got all excited and started to bounce it on the living room floor.
"Beth," Beth's father said. "We do not bounce balls in the house. Go to your room and think about what you have done while the rest of us eat birthday cake and ice-cream."
Beth did as she was told, but cried all the way to her room.
Later, when her mother came in to talk about what happened, Beth asked this question: "Mother, why should I be punished for bouncing the ball when I didn't know that it wasn't allowed? That's not fair!"
"Life is not fair, Dear One," said Beth's mother. "Here, let me tell you a story about someone else who had a problem just like yours." And this is the story she told.

One day there was a horrible famine, and Abram went to Egypt to look for food. When they were near Egypt, Abram told his wife Sarai, "You are very pretty, and when we get to Egypt the Egyptians will want to kill me so that they can put a penis in you. But if you tell them that I am your brother and not your husband, then they will know that they don't have to kill me to put a penis in you and I will be safe."
Sarai agreed to lie to help her husband.

"That's kind of a strange thing for Abram to be worried about, isn't it?" Beth asked.
"Not at all," said Beth's mother. "In ancient times, people were always killing men so that they could put their penises in the men's wives. Abram had to be particularly worried because Sarai was very, very beautiful, even though she was sixty-five years old."
"So when Abram asks Sarai to lie about being his sister, is that like when Father tells me pretend that I'm not with him when we are walking and he sees a pretty lady?" Beth asked.
Beth's mother thought about this for a moment. "I suppose it is," she said, and then she hurried on with the story.

When they got to Egypt, the Egyptians thought that Sarai was very pretty. In fact, even the Pharaoh and the princes thought she was pretty, so the Pharaoh had her brought to his house.
Because he thought that Abram was Sarai's brother, Pharaoh treated Abram well and gave him sheep, oxes, boy and girl donkeys, boy and girl servants, and camels.
But God was unhappy about this. He sent plagues to Pharaoh's house because Pharaoh wanted to put his penis in Sarai and she was a married woman.
When he realized what the problem was, Pharaoh went to Abram and said, "Why did you lie to me instead of telling me that you are married to Sarai? Take her and leave!"
Then Pharaoh ordered his men to throw Abram and Sarai out of town, but he let Abram keep all the nice things that he had given him.

"Now think, Beth. If God would punish a pharaoh for sinning when he did not know that he was sinning, doesn't it make sense that your father should punish you even thought you did not know that what you were doing what was wrong?"
"But how could God let me do something when it is wrong?" Beth asked.
"That's a good question, Dear One." And her mother related another story:

On another day, Abraham was traveling to the south when he came to a place called Gerar. When he got to town, he told everyone that Sarah was his sister.

"That's a funny coincidence," said Beth.
"What is?" asked her mother.
"Well, it's funny that Abraham and Sarah would do the same thing that Abram and Sarai did," said Beth. "That's all."
Her mother laughed, delighted at her daughter's innocence. "It's not a coincidence at all, Dear One. Abraham and Sarah are Abram and Sarai. God changed their names."
Beth crunched up her forehead in puzzlement. "If it's the same people, then why would they try telling the same lie if it didn't work the first time?"
"Just listen and you'll see, Dear One," said her mother.

Abimelech, the king of Gerar, sent for Sarah so that he could put his penis in her because he didn't know that she was married.
That night, God appeared in a dream to Abimelech. "You are as good as dead," said God in the dream. "The woman who you want to put your penis in is married."
"Wait a minute," said Abimelech to God. "I haven't put my penis in her yet. Are you going to kill me before I have done anything wrong? Besides, Abraham and Sarah said that they were brother and sister, not husband and wife. I haven't done anything wrong."
God answered him, "I know that. In fact, the only reason that you didn't put your penis in her yet is that I didn't want you to do something bad. Now, go and give Sarah back to her husband. If you don't, I'll kill you and everyone in your family."
So the next morning, Abimelech got up and told his servants about the dream. Then the king called Abraham and said to him, "Abraham, why did you lie to me? You almost made me do a very bad thing."
"I lied because I thought that your city was godless and that the people would kill me so that they could put a penis in my wife," Abraham answered. "Besides, she's my half-sister, so it was not all a lie."
So Abimelech got some sheep, and oxen, and male and female servants, and gave them to Abraham along with Sarah and said, "You may choose any place in my kingdom to call your home."
Then Abimelech said to Sarah, "Look! I gave your brother a thousand dollars. I hope that makes everything all right."

"I see," said Beth. "God didn't let the king do a bad thing because the king was close to God. I guess that I wouldn't have been so bad if I'd said my prayers more."
"I'm glad that you have learned your lesson, Dear One," said Beth's mother.
Beth thought about the stories for a moment and asked, "Mother, why is it that Abraham always got lots of animals and servants for lying?"
"So that you do not misunderstand the lesson, I will tell you another story, Dear One," said Beth's mother. And this is the story she told:

When Isaac was living in Gerar, men used to ask about his wife Rebekah and Isaac always told them that she was his sister. This was because he was afraid that the men would kill him to put a penis in her if they thought that she was a married woman.
One day, Abimelech, king of the Philistines, was looking out his window and he saw Isaac putting his penis in Rebekah. So Abimelech called to Isaac and said, "Are you sure that Rebekah is your sister and not your wife?"
Isaac replied, "I lied because I was afraid that people would kill me so that they could put their penises in her."
Abimelech said, "That was not very nice. Someone in town might have put his penis in your wife and gotten in a lot of trouble." Then Abimelech told all the people in town that they would be killed if they touched either Isaac or Rebekah.
After that, Isaac planted some seeds and his investment was returned a hundred times because God was so pleased with him.

"You see," said Beth's mother, "one's rewards for trying to protect one's self with lies can come in many forms. It's not always animals and servants, sometimes it's plants."
Beth thought about this for a moment. Then, despite the growling of her stomach and her depression over not being able to see her own birthday cake, Beth smiled and hugged her mother. The stories had answered all her questions and she would try never to be bad again.

The Story of Abram and Hagar

Genesis 16:1-16, 21:9-14

Beth had a brother named Bobby who was two years older than her. Beth and Bobby were playing Wither the Fig Tree, their favorite board game, when Consuela the cleaning lady came into the room. When Beth saw Consuela, she thought of a question and asked Bobby if he would wait while she went to ask their mother about it.
Beth's mother was in the kitchen baking a batch of sugar cookies in the shape of little tongues of flame. After her mother put down the hot cookie sheet, Beth asked her, "Mother, why does Bobby look more like Consuela than he does like you?"
Beth's mother took off her oven mitts, turned off the oven, and took a seat at the kitchen table. "Come sit in my lap, Dear One, and I'll tell you a story that will explain everything," she said. And this is the story she told:

One day there was a woman named Sarai, the wife of Abram, who was unable to make babies in her tummy and had an Egyptian servant named Hagar. Sarai went to Abram and said, "God hasn't let me grow any babies in my tummy, so maybe you should put your penis in Hagar so that I can grow a baby in her tummy."
Abram thought this was a good idea, so Sarai brought Hagar to him so that they could have sex. But later, when Hagar found out that a baby was growing in her tummy, she got all uppity and didn't like Sarai any more.
Sarai went to Abram and said, "We have a problem. I sent Hagar to have sex with you, and now she hates me because you made a baby grow in her tummy."
Abram said to her, "Look, your servant is yours to do with as you please." But when Sarai beat Hagar up, Hagar ran away.
One of God's angels found Hagar standing by a water fountain in the forest and said, "Hagar, servant of Sarai, what are you doing?"
Hagar answered, "I am running from Sarai."
The angel shook his head in disapproval. "Go back to her," he said, "and let her do anything she wants to you. If you do, then I will make sure that your child has lots of children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren and other children.
"Also," the angel added, "the baby growing in your tummy is a boy, and he will have too many descendants to count. Your son, who you should name Ishmael, will be a wild man and he will fight with everyone."
So Hagar went back to Abram and gave birth to Ishmael. Abram was ninety-six when his son Ishmael was born.
Many years later, Sarah saw Ishmael acting rudely so she went to Abraham and said, "Throw Hagar and her son out of the house. It makes me upset that her son and my son will both get some of your stuff when you die."
This made Abraham very sad because he did not want to throw his son out of the house, but God said to him, "Don't be sad, Abraham. Listen to Sarah. Isaac will have lots of children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren and other children. Ishmael will, too."
So Abraham threw Hagar and Ishmael out of the house, but he gave them some bread and a bottle of water first. And after they left the house, Hagar had nowhere to go so she went to the forest and just kind of walked around.

"So you see, Dear One," said Beth's mother, "sometimes a woman needs help having a baby."
Beth thought about this for a moment. "Well, I hope that Father never has to send Bobby and Consuela into the forest with just bread and water! I would miss brother Bobby very, very much," she said, although the part about missing her brother didn't sound particularly convincing. Then she smiled and hugged her mother, all her questions had been answered.

The Story of Lot's Daughters

Genesis 19:30-38

When her family was at a restaurant one night, Beth heard two young girls at the next table talking. One girl was saying that a young man had taken her to a party and, after convincing her to drink a huge big bunch of "booze," put his penis in her. Now the woman had a baby growing in her tummy. That made Beth think of a question.
Later, when they were away from others who might be embarrassed, Beth asked her mother a question. "Mother," she asked, "isn't it wrong to get someone drunk so that you can have sex with them?"
Beth's mother was surprised by the question, but when Beth explained what she had overheard in the restaurant, her mother understood. To answer the question, her mother told a story, and this is the story she told:

One day, Lot and his two daughters moved out of Zoar to live in the mountains, because he was afraid to live in town.
One night, the older daughter said to the younger one, "Our father is old and there are no men around to put their penises in us. Let's get our father drunk so that we can get him to put his penis in us and make babies grow in our tummies."
So they got their father to drink wine until he was drunk.
Then the older daughter went into their father's cave and had sex with him, although he didn't notice.

"He didn't notice?" Beth asked, surprised.
"Lot was very drunk, Dear One," said her mother.

On the next night, the older said to the youngest, "I got our father to put his penis in me last night. Tonight, it's your turn to get him drunk."
So they made their father drink wine and get drunk again. When they were done, the younger daughter went into their father's cave and had sex with him. Lot didn't notice that the second daughter had had sex with him either.
Babies started to grow in both of the daughters' tummies. The first daughter made a son named Moab, and the second daughter made a son named Benammi. Both of the sons grew up to become great men.

"To God," Beth's mother told her, "children are the most important thing. It doesn't matter how a baby starts growing in a woman's tummy. Having sex when one of the people is drunk is much better than never having a baby grow in a woman at all."
Beth thought about this for a moment. Then she smiled and hugged her mother. All her questions had been answered.

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