The Story of Abram's "Sister"

Genesis 12:10-20, 20:1-18, 26:6-12

On her sixth birthday, Beth got a big rubber ball from her aunt even though her parents didn't approve of giving children birthday gifts. Because she had never had a ball of her own before, Beth got all excited and started to bounce it on the living room floor.
"Beth," Beth's father said. "We do not bounce balls in the house. Go to your room and think about what you have done while the rest of us eat birthday cake and ice-cream."
Beth did as she was told, but cried all the way to her room.
Later, when her mother came in to talk about what happened, Beth asked this question: "Mother, why should I be punished for bouncing the ball when I didn't know that it wasn't allowed? That's not fair!"
"Life is not fair, Dear One," said Beth's mother. "Here, let me tell you a story about someone else who had a problem just like yours." And this is the story she told.

One day there was a horrible famine, and Abram went to Egypt to look for food. When they were near Egypt, Abram told his wife Sarai, "You are very pretty, and when we get to Egypt the Egyptians will want to kill me so that they can put a penis in you. But if you tell them that I am your brother and not your husband, then they will know that they don't have to kill me to put a penis in you and I will be safe."
Sarai agreed to lie to help her husband.

"That's kind of a strange thing for Abram to be worried about, isn't it?" Beth asked.
"Not at all," said Beth's mother. "In ancient times, people were always killing men so that they could put their penises in the men's wives. Abram had to be particularly worried because Sarai was very, very beautiful, even though she was sixty-five years old."
"So when Abram asks Sarai to lie about being his sister, is that like when Father tells me pretend that I'm not with him when we are walking and he sees a pretty lady?" Beth asked.
Beth's mother thought about this for a moment. "I suppose it is," she said, and then she hurried on with the story.

When they got to Egypt, the Egyptians thought that Sarai was very pretty. In fact, even the Pharaoh and the princes thought she was pretty, so the Pharaoh had her brought to his house.
Because he thought that Abram was Sarai's brother, Pharaoh treated Abram well and gave him sheep, oxes, boy and girl donkeys, boy and girl servants, and camels.
But God was unhappy about this. He sent plagues to Pharaoh's house because Pharaoh wanted to put his penis in Sarai and she was a married woman.
When he realized what the problem was, Pharaoh went to Abram and said, "Why did you lie to me instead of telling me that you are married to Sarai? Take her and leave!"
Then Pharaoh ordered his men to throw Abram and Sarai out of town, but he let Abram keep all the nice things that he had given him.

"Now think, Beth. If God would punish a pharaoh for sinning when he did not know that he was sinning, doesn't it make sense that your father should punish you even thought you did not know that what you were doing what was wrong?"
"But how could God let me do something when it is wrong?" Beth asked.
"That's a good question, Dear One." And her mother related another story:

On another day, Abraham was traveling to the south when he came to a place called Gerar. When he got to town, he told everyone that Sarah was his sister.

"That's a funny coincidence," said Beth.
"What is?" asked her mother.
"Well, it's funny that Abraham and Sarah would do the same thing that Abram and Sarai did," said Beth. "That's all."
Her mother laughed, delighted at her daughter's innocence. "It's not a coincidence at all, Dear One. Abraham and Sarah are Abram and Sarai. God changed their names."
Beth crunched up her forehead in puzzlement. "If it's the same people, then why would they try telling the same lie if it didn't work the first time?"
"Just listen and you'll see, Dear One," said her mother.

Abimelech, the king of Gerar, sent for Sarah so that he could put his penis in her because he didn't know that she was married.
That night, God appeared in a dream to Abimelech. "You are as good as dead," said God in the dream. "The woman who you want to put your penis in is married."
"Wait a minute," said Abimelech to God. "I haven't put my penis in her yet. Are you going to kill me before I have done anything wrong? Besides, Abraham and Sarah said that they were brother and sister, not husband and wife. I haven't done anything wrong."
God answered him, "I know that. In fact, the only reason that you didn't put your penis in her yet is that I didn't want you to do something bad. Now, go and give Sarah back to her husband. If you don't, I'll kill you and everyone in your family."
So the next morning, Abimelech got up and told his servants about the dream. Then the king called Abraham and said to him, "Abraham, why did you lie to me? You almost made me do a very bad thing."
"I lied because I thought that your city was godless and that the people would kill me so that they could put a penis in my wife," Abraham answered. "Besides, she's my half-sister, so it was not all a lie."
So Abimelech got some sheep, and oxen, and male and female servants, and gave them to Abraham along with Sarah and said, "You may choose any place in my kingdom to call your home."
Then Abimelech said to Sarah, "Look! I gave your brother a thousand dollars. I hope that makes everything all right."

"I see," said Beth. "God didn't let the king do a bad thing because the king was close to God. I guess that I wouldn't have been so bad if I'd said my prayers more."
"I'm glad that you have learned your lesson, Dear One," said Beth's mother.
Beth thought about the stories for a moment and asked, "Mother, why is it that Abraham always got lots of animals and servants for lying?"
"So that you do not misunderstand the lesson, I will tell you another story, Dear One," said Beth's mother. And this is the story she told:

When Isaac was living in Gerar, men used to ask about his wife Rebekah and Isaac always told them that she was his sister. This was because he was afraid that the men would kill him to put a penis in her if they thought that she was a married woman.
One day, Abimelech, king of the Philistines, was looking out his window and he saw Isaac putting his penis in Rebekah. So Abimelech called to Isaac and said, "Are you sure that Rebekah is your sister and not your wife?"
Isaac replied, "I lied because I was afraid that people would kill me so that they could put their penises in her."
Abimelech said, "That was not very nice. Someone in town might have put his penis in your wife and gotten in a lot of trouble." Then Abimelech told all the people in town that they would be killed if they touched either Isaac or Rebekah.
After that, Isaac planted some seeds and his investment was returned a hundred times because God was so pleased with him.

"You see," said Beth's mother, "one's rewards for trying to protect one's self with lies can come in many forms. It's not always animals and servants, sometimes it's plants."
Beth thought about this for a moment. Then, despite the growling of her stomach and her depression over not being able to see her own birthday cake, Beth smiled and hugged her mother. The stories had answered all her questions and she would try never to be bad again.

The Story of Abram and Hagar

Genesis 16:1-16, 21:9-14

Beth had a brother named Bobby who was two years older than her. Beth and Bobby were playing Wither the Fig Tree, their favorite board game, when Consuela the cleaning lady came into the room. When Beth saw Consuela, she thought of a question and asked Bobby if he would wait while she went to ask their mother about it.
Beth's mother was in the kitchen baking a batch of sugar cookies in the shape of little tongues of flame. After her mother put down the hot cookie sheet, Beth asked her, "Mother, why does Bobby look more like Consuela than he does like you?"
Beth's mother took off her oven mitts, turned off the oven, and took a seat at the kitchen table. "Come sit in my lap, Dear One, and I'll tell you a story that will explain everything," she said. And this is the story she told:

One day there was a woman named Sarai, the wife of Abram, who was unable to make babies in her tummy and had an Egyptian servant named Hagar. Sarai went to Abram and said, "God hasn't let me grow any babies in my tummy, so maybe you should put your penis in Hagar so that I can grow a baby in her tummy."
Abram thought this was a good idea, so Sarai brought Hagar to him so that they could have sex. But later, when Hagar found out that a baby was growing in her tummy, she got all uppity and didn't like Sarai any more.
Sarai went to Abram and said, "We have a problem. I sent Hagar to have sex with you, and now she hates me because you made a baby grow in her tummy."
Abram said to her, "Look, your servant is yours to do with as you please." But when Sarai beat Hagar up, Hagar ran away.
One of God's angels found Hagar standing by a water fountain in the forest and said, "Hagar, servant of Sarai, what are you doing?"
Hagar answered, "I am running from Sarai."
The angel shook his head in disapproval. "Go back to her," he said, "and let her do anything she wants to you. If you do, then I will make sure that your child has lots of children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren and other children.
"Also," the angel added, "the baby growing in your tummy is a boy, and he will have too many descendants to count. Your son, who you should name Ishmael, will be a wild man and he will fight with everyone."
So Hagar went back to Abram and gave birth to Ishmael. Abram was ninety-six when his son Ishmael was born.
Many years later, Sarah saw Ishmael acting rudely so she went to Abraham and said, "Throw Hagar and her son out of the house. It makes me upset that her son and my son will both get some of your stuff when you die."
This made Abraham very sad because he did not want to throw his son out of the house, but God said to him, "Don't be sad, Abraham. Listen to Sarah. Isaac will have lots of children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren and other children. Ishmael will, too."
So Abraham threw Hagar and Ishmael out of the house, but he gave them some bread and a bottle of water first. And after they left the house, Hagar had nowhere to go so she went to the forest and just kind of walked around.

"So you see, Dear One," said Beth's mother, "sometimes a woman needs help having a baby."
Beth thought about this for a moment. "Well, I hope that Father never has to send Bobby and Consuela into the forest with just bread and water! I would miss brother Bobby very, very much," she said, although the part about missing her brother didn't sound particularly convincing. Then she smiled and hugged her mother, all her questions had been answered.

The Story of Jacob and Rachel

Genesis 29:1-30:24

On their way to the movies, Beth's father drove them through a very interesting part of Hollywood. There were many women in eye-catching clothing on the street, and Beth noticed that sometimes cars would pull up to the curb and the women would walk over to them.
"Who are those women talking to?" Beth asked her mother from the back seat.
"Those women make their living by charging men money to put their penises in them, and the men are their customers," said Beth's mother. "The men are asking the women how much they charge."
Beth was upset and confused by this. "But Mother," she said, "isn't that kind of naughty?"
"If you are asking whether it is bad to treat women like property and charge money for their favors, then not at all, Dear One," her mother said. "In fact, I know a story from the Bible about just that sort of thing."
And this is the story she told:

One day, Jacob went on a journey to visit the people who live in the east. While he was walking, he saw a well covered by a big rock and surrounded by sheep. It turns out that shepherds liked to bring their sheep to the well to get them water. While Jacob was watching, some shepherds rolled the rock off the well, got water for their sheep, and rolled the rock back onto the well.
Jacob walked up to the shepherds and said, "Who are you guys?"
And the shepherds answered, "We're shepherds from Haran."
"Do you know my Uncle Laban?" Jacob asked.
"We sure do," answered the shepherds.
"How is he?" asked Jacob.
"He's fine," answered the shepherds, adding, "and look, here comes his daughter Rachel now with her sheep."
"Why don't you get water for your sheep and move along," said Jacob.
"It's not time yet," said the shepherds.
While they were talking, Rachel walked up.
When Jacob saw his cousin Rachel and her sheep, he rolled the rock off of the well and got some water for them. And when he was done, he kissed Rachel without asking first, yelled, and started crying.
When he was done crying, Jacob said, "Rachel, I'm your cousin." And Rachel ran away to tell her father all about it.
Laban was so happy to hear that Jacob was visiting that he ran to the well to meet him and invite him to stay over.
After Jacob had been living with Laban for a month, Laban said to him, "I can't let you keep doing work around my house for nothing, Jacob. We're like brothers. How much would you like to be paid?"
This got Jacob to thinking. He knew that Laban had two daughters. The oldest daughter was named Leah, and she was not very pretty, although she had nice eyes. On the other hand, Rachel, the youngest daughter, was pretty and nice. In fact, Rachel was so pretty and nice that Jacob was in love with her.
"I know," said Jacob, "I'll work for you for seven years and in return you will give me Rachel to marry."
"Better to you than to someone else," said Laban.
The seven years passed quickly for Jacob because he was so in love with Rachel. When he was done earning Rachel, Jacob went to Laban and said, "Give me my wife so that I can put my penis in her."
So Laban got all the men in his house together and had a big party. That evening, he took Leah and brought her to Jacob with a piece of cloth over her head so that Jacob wouldn't know who she was. Jacob put his penis in her.
The next morning, Jacob woke up and took the cloth off of Leah's head. "Hey, what's going on here!" he said, and he ran to see Laban.
"What did you do?" Jacob asked Laban. "I was supposed to get to put my penis in Rachel after working for seven years and you gave me Leah. Why did you trick me?"
"Well," said Laban, "It's a tradition around here that a girl cannot have a penis put in her until her older sister has had a penis put in her first. I'll make you another deal: Take a week off to put your penis in Leah some more, then I'll give you Rachel, too. But after that you have to work another seven years for me."
"Okay," said Jacob.
So Jacob had sex with Leah for a week and then Laban gave him Rachel. Jacob put his penis in Rachel and loved her more than he loved Leah. He didn't mind having to work for Laban seven more years.

"I see," said Beth. "So a man owns his daughters and can sell them to other men."
"That's right, Dear One," said her mother.
"So do those women's fathers sell them to the men in the cars?"
"No, there is a man who takes care of selling whole bunches of women, even though they are not his daughters. He's called a'pimp.'"
"I get it. So I guess that men always have to pay when they want to put their penis in a woman, right?" Beth asked.
"No, not at all," her mother said. "Let me tell you more of the story and you will see."

God didn't think it was fair that Jacob loved Rachel more than he loved Leah, so God didn't let any babies grow in Rachel's tummy. Leah on the other hand made three sons named Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah before she stopped letting things grow inside her.
When Rachel noticed that nothing was growing in her tummy, she got jealous of Leah. Rachel went to Jacob and said, "If you don't make me have babies, I'm going to die."
This made Jacob mad at Rachel. He said, "What? Am I God? It's not my fault that nothing will grow in your tummy!"
Rachel said, "I have an idea! Put your penis in my maid, Bilhah, while I'm in the room and if she has any children we'll say that they were mine." Then she gave Bilhah to Jacob for him to put his penis in.
Babies started to grow in Bilhah's tummy, and made two sons before she was done. Rachel named the sons Dan and Naphtali.
Because Rachel's plan had worked so well, Leah gave her maid, named Zilpah, to Jacob for him to put his penis in. Zilpah made two sons, and Leah named them Gad and Asher.
Later on, Reuben was picking flowers and he brought them to his mother, Leah. Rachel saw the flowers and said, "Can I have those?"
"Hey!" Leah said, "Jacob pays more attention to you than he does to me. Why should I give you my son's flowers?"
"Well," answered Rachel, "if you give me the flowers, I'll tell Jacob to put his penis in you tonight."
"Okay," said Leah.
That night, when Jacob got home from work, Leah ran out of the house to meet him. "You have to put your penis in me," she said to Jacob, "because I gave Rachel my son's flowers." That was a good enough reason for Jacob, so he put his penis in Leah.
After that, God listened to Leah and let babies grow in her tummy. She made sons named Issachar and Zebulun. After that she decided to make a daughter named Dinah, too.
When that was all over with, God remembered Rachel and let her grow a baby in her tummy. She made a son and named him Joseph.

Beth thought about this for a moment. "So, if you own a woman, you can give her to a man to put his penis in but if she has babies then they are yours," Beth said, thoughtfully. "And you can also sell yourself to a man's wife so that you can have sex with her husband?"
"Well," said her mother, "it's a bit more complicated than that, but as you grow older, you will understand more."
Then Beth smiled and smiled out the window at the women in their bright makeup and hot pants. The story had answered all her questions, and she took joy in watching women fulfilling the role that God had made for them.